Blog Chronicles My Grand Failure And Best Lesson

I'm both thankful and sorry that I ever started this blog in the first place. Thankful because it has served as a sort of bank for frozen moments of my developmental life. I'm sorry for that same exact reason. Reading back, the post "Sunrise Of Enlightenment" is an almost surreal record of a time that has completely dissipated beyond salvation. Reading it, the first feeling is one of complete foolishness. As I go through the words, I remember vividly the moments in which those radiated from my mind and heart. That time was real, and the current reality of my life now is so drastically changed that I'm left blown away. Everything I wrote was true, and the strangest thing is now I'm full of gratitude that the woman I wrote that for has moved through my life on to something else. I intend no ill will or hurt in that statement, it's just "God's" honest truth.

I do not know if I'll ever reconcile completely what occurred between us, but that does not predicate my peace with the situation. We had something very beautiful, but everything that has a beginning, has an end. The most poignant statement in that post is still just as defining, despite it having a completely different meaning that it did when I wrote it:

"If I knew then what I knew now, my life would be different in so many ways that I cannot even fathom. That single fact erases regret completely, because if you find your happiness, your inner "God," you will find that the entire spectrum of events from beautiful to deplorable have stacked like solid bricks in a foundation that will never stop lifting you higher and higher. What possible reason is there to stop....I can't fathom a single one."

Life lessons. They will never cease, and for each one that you have you are a better soul, if you survive them and learn. Survival is never an issue for me, although learning can sometimes require a lot of time, hurt and uncertainty.

Here I am again, but for the first time truly alone. I've never been here before, so I learn as I go. This isn't a call for pity or empathy, because no matter what I'm still doing so well and I have so many things that I can use as a reminder that life is beautiful, a true gift. While I'm here I have two choices: Watch life pass me by while I'm busy making grand plans for it, or live each day the best that I can, as if it were the last but knowing that it probably isn't and that everyday will not always be my best.

I'm in no way perfect, in fact I'm far from it. No one is perfect, nothing is perfect. Love is definitely not perfect. It's probably the single most challenging and rewarding pursuit in all human life. Love has no single definition, yet we are all seek it, hoping and dreaming of achieving our desired projection of this one emotion. I could go on and on with this giant and confusing train of thought, but I won't. No one would ever read it and reach the end.

So why am I pouring this all out on a blog? Basically, I've had this for quite a while and have not had anyone read it, let alone comment on a post. I'm almost resistant to that because I feel like the posts demonstrate all too well how truly lost I still am, despite my intelligence and ability to think and ramble on for way too long. I guess I am doing this for myself really, it's almost like a journal but it only gets written in when this rare flood of words occurs naturally.

I wonder sometimes if anyone else can understand or relate to my mind. Not because I think mine is anything better, but because sometimes I don't even understand it. I will spool out like a ball of yarn, to a point where I drown in my own thoughts. My head feels like it opens wide, trying to encompass concepts that have no solution. As a scientist, I always find myself seeking and defining solutions...As a spiritualist I try to balance that with acceptance of those that have no answer. Am I alone in this train of thought? Do I think too much? Am I way out in left field? Am I still too idealistic, or am I utilizing spiritual concepts as bandages for a harsh reality? So many questions...

To conclude this most didactic yet somehow disjointed entry, I'm searching for something that I could use to bridge distinctly across each thought. I'm seeking a simplistic statement that encompasses all of this musing. I don't think that is really possible, so I'll do my best to end as gracefully as I can.

Once you have real strength in your soul, you can finally find a best friend in yourself. Only then are you capable of finding a life partner. A life partner is not a perfect match on paper, but in reality they will be with you until this life is gone because however different you are or however much you argue, the core of your being has been forged from the same metal heated by the same fire. Good and bad, it's all a part of me. Is there a reason to stop my dreams of true family, community, and happiness....I can't fathom a single one.

In case anyone reads this, I was completely inebriated while writing this post...