Sunday, June 19, 2005

Blog Chronicles My Grand Failure And Best Lesson

I'm both thankful and sorry that I ever started this blog in the first place. Thankful because it has served as a sort of bank for frozen moments of my developmental life. I'm sorry for that same exact reason. Reading back, the post "Sunrise Of Enlightenment" is an almost surreal record of a time that has completely dissipated beyond salvation. Reading it, the first feeling is one of complete foolishness. As I go through the words, I remember vividly the moments in which those radiated from my mind and heart. That time was real, and the current reality of my life now is so drastically changed that I'm left blown away. Everything I wrote was true, and the strangest thing is now I'm full of gratitude that the woman I wrote that for has moved through my life on to something else. I intend no ill will or hurt in that statement, it's just "God's" honest truth.

I do not know if I'll ever reconcile completely what occurred between us, but that does not predicate my peace with the situation. We had something very beautiful, but everything that has a beginning, has an end. The most poignant statement in that post is still just as defining, despite it having a completely different meaning that it did when I wrote it:

"If I knew then what I knew now, my life would be different in so many ways that I cannot even fathom. That single fact erases regret completely, because if you find your happiness, your inner "God," you will find that the entire spectrum of events from beautiful to deplorable have stacked like solid bricks in a foundation that will never stop lifting you higher and higher. What possible reason is there to stop....I can't fathom a single one."

Life lessons. They will never cease, and for each one that you have you are a better soul, if you survive them and learn. Survival is never an issue for me, although learning can sometimes require a lot of time, hurt and uncertainty.

Here I am again, but for the first time truly alone. I've never been here before, so I learn as I go. This isn't a call for pity or empathy, because no matter what I'm still doing so well and I have so many things that I can use as a reminder that life is beautiful, a true gift. While I'm here I have two choices: Watch life pass me by while I'm busy making grand plans for it, or live each day the best that I can, as if it were the last but knowing that it probably isn't and that everyday will not always be my best.

I'm in no way perfect, in fact I'm far from it. No one is perfect, nothing is perfect. Love is definitely not perfect. It's probably the single most challenging and rewarding pursuit in all human life. Love has no single definition, yet we are all seek it, hoping and dreaming of achieving our desired projection of this one emotion. I could go on and on with this giant and confusing train of thought, but I won't. No one would ever read it and reach the end.

So why am I pouring this all out on a blog? Basically, I've had this for quite a while and have not had anyone read it, let alone comment on a post. I'm almost resistant to that because I feel like the posts demonstrate all too well how truly lost I still am, despite my intelligence and ability to think and ramble on for way too long. I guess I am doing this for myself really, it's almost like a journal but it only gets written in when this rare flood of words occurs naturally.

I wonder sometimes if anyone else can understand or relate to my mind. Not because I think mine is anything better, but because sometimes I don't even understand it. I will spool out like a ball of yarn, to a point where I drown in my own thoughts. My head feels like it opens wide, trying to encompass concepts that have no solution. As a scientist, I always find myself seeking and defining solutions...As a spiritualist I try to balance that with acceptance of those that have no answer. Am I alone in this train of thought? Do I think too much? Am I way out in left field? Am I still too idealistic, or am I utilizing spiritual concepts as bandages for a harsh reality? So many questions...

To conclude this most didactic yet somehow disjointed entry, I'm searching for something that I could use to bridge distinctly across each thought. I'm seeking a simplistic statement that encompasses all of this musing. I don't think that is really possible, so I'll do my best to end as gracefully as I can.

Once you have real strength in your soul, you can finally find a best friend in yourself. Only then are you capable of finding a life partner. A life partner is not a perfect match on paper, but in reality they will be with you until this life is gone because however different you are or however much you argue, the core of your being has been forged from the same metal heated by the same fire. Good and bad, it's all a part of me. Is there a reason to stop my dreams of true family, community, and happiness....I can't fathom a single one.

In case anyone reads this, I was completely inebriated while writing this post...

Saturday, May 28, 2005

What Is And What Should Never Be

Been a long time since I sat here and devoted some real energy to this. Everything has changed since my last post, which was infused with the feeling of being in love with someone who you really, really believed would stay forever. Now, as I read back through some of them I was entirely conflicted between a warm remembrance, and a disillusioned reality. I'm going to do my best to break it down here, because if I don't I'm not going to sleep much tonight.

A relationship between man and woman is not too hard to initiate, but what makes a certain union "The One?" That feeling is one that all of us have known, however briefly it may have been. It's a very complicated situation when two people begin to share a home. The pressure of that was more than I had anticipated; I fell down under the seeming pressure of having lost all privacy. It didn't help that I lied, repeatedly. Most of these related to "old" females from my past that kept popping up. I lied in an attempt to protect her from the details that would only burn into her head, and to protect me from having to argue about them. I now know those "white lies" were in fact a major catalyst for breaking the trust I'd earned. Unfairly, it didn't just break the trust, it annihilated it. Her past with low-class men who trampled on her caused her to see me in a similar light to them, because I'd shown her I had the capacity to hide things from her. Blah, goes on like you can imagine. Both sexes on the defense, and sex on the retreat. Sexual retreat came from my side this time, which did't go over too well with a spiritual female. I drifted, and the more I was poked, prodded, and outright insulted the further and further away I went. Who knows if I was justified, unless one was living inside of my head at the time.

Anyways, I feel like I could write pages about this. In the month or two it took for our relationship to deteriorate I felt like a year had passed. So much hate thrown at me disguised as hurt. Love disguised as sex, sex disguised as love. In the end, are we better off now? As much as I wish I didn't feel this way, I know that we will both benefit from the time we shared, as well as from the end of that time. What I've learned first and foremost is to be up front about all of my facets and dark corners right from the beginning, if that person should so inquire. That way, neither one of us will have to go through unnecessary bullshit. I feel like the majority of the responsibility of this decision was placed on me...but there is a flip-side to the coin. Remember, love is a two way street. Not an alley or a freeway, just two lanes that oppose each other.

Insecurity. Fuck Insecurity. What's a useful definition of insecurity? Anything personal that affects your ability to function in a reasonable manner, or more importantly your ability to control the reaction that drives insanity. Insecurity is poison to love. It's the kryptonite of the happy couple. I remember having more intense insecurities, one's I couldn't reason out of my head. This was back in High School. I decided a long time ago I couldn't live with that shit in my head, so better or worse I found confidence. Not cocky, but confident. There's a very large difference between the two, despite being separated by a very fine line.

I've still got my baggage...everyone has something. No one gets on a plane without baggage. For reasons I don't feel like discussing with myself, she felt insecurities that I honestly believe she couldn't see because, before us, she had felt confident that those old demons had been exercised. An amazing warm-souled woman who had been shit on by most men that came romantically into her life. I'm so sorry for what I did, if I'd known at all what kind of disaster was to come I wouldn't have been so casual. But, I didn't know. This was the designated path for this relationship. Fast, furious, fleeting...transient. A time to learn some new lessons. Hard lessons, albeit, but then if you take a real look back at your life you'll see that all of the pivotal moments of experience were the direct result of a HARD lesson.

I'm doing my best to not stick my head in the sand, but to take this new situation of mine in stride. There are definitely moments where I feel the expanse of this apartment, and I hate how empty it is. Good news is I'm getting adjusted to coming home to a cold and quiet place, but it's still very different.

I don't know if what I'm writing is doing a very good job of communicating what's going on inside my mind. I'll read back over this later, and if I'm confused in the least, then that means that I accurately recorded my current state of mind. I pray to someday find a partner in this life, someone to trust with everything and never have to fear that changes to your mind will be forced upon you. I'm not capable of living within someone else's fences, even if mine are the same.

It's times like these I am thankful from my heart and soul for my family, those who remain and those who have moved on from this world. My Mom and Sister were really there for me; I wouldn't be as far as I am now if I didn't have their tough love, and ultimate support. After appreciating them I detect that familiar old feeling, the presence of my Dad's memory comes spilling in. I wish that I had his advice still, I miss my friend. I hope one day I'll be able to see him, shake his hand and give him a hug. Sometimes you'll fall so much into your own heart that you can no longer sit still or concentrate on anything but your own thoughts. When life is at a high peak, those times are full of positive energy. When times get tough, my mind disturbs itself. In thoughts and dreams my mind keeps itself in check by always pushing the limits from the inside. I might venture to call it a subconsciously self-inflicted mental pressure. Some nights I sleep 6 hours, some nights less. I've even been waking up a 5:30 with no alarm clock, that's a sure sign that my machine of consciousness is going to the red line. Fortunately as time ticks by, this and most any other problem of life finds it's equilibrium, mixing inconspicuously into the past.

One last thing: I feel foolish because I had made a plan, and that plan failed completely. I had always felt that when I could fully admit to the universe that I'd met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she would in fact be that woman. I followed that mind-set going into this relationship. I moved in with her, much faster than I EVER thought I'd allow myself. Financially I took the entire burden at first, then about 2/3 of it the rest of the time. Didn't matter, unconditional involvement. I feel foolish in light of the many times I had told people with conviction that she was the one, that I or We had arrived. I suppose now the universe will again balance with the energy of both success and failure at true, honest love.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday, March 10, 2005


Kind of cheesy, but it has wit.


2 Pairs Of Lips (The Smiling Kind)
4 Open Ears
2 Hearts, Warmed
A Sprinkling Of Grace
Bowl Full Of Humor (Don't Use Canned)
Spoonful Of Honey
Some Forethought (Added At Intervals)
Pure Love (Unconditional Kind)
Flowers (Add Occasionally To Enhance Flavor)

Blend first three ingredients until smooth. Add rest of ingredients, beating out lumps of pride, till mixture is blended thoroughly; add reasoning. Bake at an even temperature and nurture throughout rising period. Don't slam oven door shut while it's hot & rising, or it will lose air & fall. Bake gently until done, it will rise nicely. It will be done when it turns a golden color, and will last indefinitely, as unconditional love acts as a preservative. Can be layered with kisses.

**Doesn't need icing or glazing. This produces a dry, withered look. Also, if demands or cruel remarks are added, it will tend to become dull & contracted, and will tend to separate**

A Little Wisdom From Mommacitas

My mother graced me with these most profound words handwritten in a letter. They are worthy of sharing with the universe...


Dear Ian
How great is it that we can re-visit that big part of life we shared in Annapolis. In one short weekend you were able to share your childhood with Alicia, through our family pictures, then where you grew up, the inside or our house & your old bedroom, our land.

And the atmosphere was quiet & undisturbed, almost like a time capsule, and almost like we left it. Our energies were still there...amazing! And because it was hardly changed, I feel your father was able to come too, and share the moment. Like a window in time, a harmonious converging of sacred space, our sacred place. Your father Sam guided you to Schatzy's dog tag -- just to affirm with you -- to be acknowledged by you -- and to confirm to you that your feelings matched his. The message was that the money wasn't the important thing -- love is. The growth of our souls is in our "sweethearts," our love of each other. It can't be found in the ground, buried. It can be found in a level that's higher than eye-level. In a level that looks up to acknowledge spiritual blessings, not down to the mundane world. The spiritual treasures are the ones worth finding. Buried treasures in the earth are fleeting, and pass with time -- but in looking up, not down, we receive true nourishment for our hungry souls. And, receiving your special message from your dad, tells you all you need to know -- that you were looking in the right place...up!

How blessed we are. Not many people can go on a pilgrimage like that! Usually time changes things and they say "you can never go back." But we did! For reasons unknown that window in the past is still open to us, especially you, because you were born & lived there, and made it possible for your father to be buried there, the place of our hearts.

That dream, that fantasy is in your heart for safe keeping. Don't ever lose your dream -- for it is also your father's dream for you. That you find and attain spiritual fulfillment and great happiness and joy in your life -- no matter where you are or what you're doing. Your definitely on the right path, and you've made spiritual contact with your guardian angel who is making sure that you find whatever your pure heart desires.