What Is And What Should Never Be
Been a long time since I sat here and devoted some real energy to this. Everything has changed since my last post, which was infused with the feeling of being in love with someone who you really, really believed would stay forever. Now, as I read back through some of them I was entirely conflicted between a warm remembrance, and a disillusioned reality. I'm going to do my best to break it down here, because if I don't I'm not going to sleep much tonight.
A relationship between man and woman is not too hard to initiate, but what makes a certain union "The One?" That feeling is one that all of us have known, however briefly it may have been. It's a very complicated situation when two people begin to share a home. The pressure of that was more than I had anticipated; I fell down under the seeming pressure of having lost all privacy. It didn't help that I lied, repeatedly. Most of these related to "old" females from my past that kept popping up. I lied in an attempt to protect her from the details that would only burn into her head, and to protect me from having to argue about them. I now know those "white lies" were in fact a major catalyst for breaking the trust I'd earned. Unfairly, it didn't just break the trust, it annihilated it. Her past with low-class men who trampled on her caused her to see me in a similar light to them, because I'd shown her I had the capacity to hide things from her. Blah, Blah....it goes on like you can imagine. Both sexes on the defense, and sex on the retreat. Sexual retreat came from my side this time, which did't go over too well with a spiritual female. I drifted, and the more I was poked, prodded, and outright insulted the further and further away I went. Who knows if I was justified, unless one was living inside of my head at the time.
Anyways, I feel like I could write pages about this. In the month or two it took for our relationship to deteriorate I felt like a year had passed. So much hate thrown at me disguised as hurt. Love disguised as sex, sex disguised as love. In the end, are we better off now? As much as I wish I didn't feel this way, I know that we will both benefit from the time we shared, as well as from the end of that time. What I've learned first and foremost is to be up front about all of my facets and dark corners right from the beginning, if that person should so inquire. That way, neither one of us will have to go through unnecessary bullshit. I feel like the majority of the responsibility of this decision was placed on me...but there is a flip-side to the coin. Remember, love is a two way street. Not an alley or a freeway, just two lanes that oppose each other.
Insecurity. Fuck Insecurity. What's a useful definition of insecurity? Anything personal that affects your ability to function in a reasonable manner, or more importantly your ability to control the reaction that drives insanity. Insecurity is poison to love. It's the kryptonite of the happy couple. I remember having more intense insecurities, one's I couldn't reason out of my head. This was back in High School. I decided a long time ago I couldn't live with that shit in my head, so better or worse I found confidence. Not cocky, but confident. There's a very large difference between the two, despite being separated by a very fine line.
I've still got my baggage...everyone has something. No one gets on a plane without baggage. For reasons I don't feel like discussing with myself, she felt insecurities that I honestly believe she couldn't see because, before us, she had felt confident that those old demons had been exercised. An amazing warm-souled woman who had been shit on by most men that came romantically into her life. I'm so sorry for what I did, if I'd known at all what kind of disaster was to come I wouldn't have been so casual. But, I didn't know. This was the designated path for this relationship. Fast, furious, fleeting...transient. A time to learn some new lessons. Hard lessons, albeit, but then if you take a real look back at your life you'll see that all of the pivotal moments of experience were the direct result of a HARD lesson.
I'm doing my best to not stick my head in the sand, but to take this new situation of mine in stride. There are definitely moments where I feel the expanse of this apartment, and I hate how empty it is. Good news is I'm getting adjusted to coming home to a cold and quiet place, but it's still very different.
I don't know if what I'm writing is doing a very good job of communicating what's going on inside my mind. I'll read back over this later, and if I'm confused in the least, then that means that I accurately recorded my current state of mind. I pray to someday find a partner in this life, someone to trust with everything and never have to fear that changes to your mind will be forced upon you. I'm not capable of living within someone else's fences, even if mine are the same.
It's times like these I am thankful from my heart and soul for my family, those who remain and those who have moved on from this world. My Mom and Sister were really there for me; I wouldn't be as far as I am now if I didn't have their tough love, and ultimate support. After appreciating them I detect that familiar old feeling, the presence of my Dad's memory comes spilling in. I wish that I had his advice still, I miss my friend. I hope one day I'll be able to see him, shake his hand and give him a hug. Sometimes you'll fall so much into your own heart that you can no longer sit still or concentrate on anything but your own thoughts. When life is at a high peak, those times are full of positive energy. When times get tough, my mind disturbs itself. In thoughts and dreams my mind keeps itself in check by always pushing the limits from the inside. I might venture to call it a subconsciously self-inflicted mental pressure. Some nights I sleep 6 hours, some nights less. I've even been waking up a 5:30 with no alarm clock, that's a sure sign that my machine of consciousness is going to the red line. Fortunately as time ticks by, this and most any other problem of life finds it's equilibrium, mixing inconspicuously into the past.
One last thing: I feel foolish because I had made a plan, and that plan failed completely. I had always felt that when I could fully admit to the universe that I'd met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she would in fact be that woman. I followed that mind-set going into this relationship. I moved in with her, much faster than I EVER thought I'd allow myself. Financially I took the entire burden at first, then about 2/3 of it the rest of the time. Didn't matter, unconditional involvement. I feel foolish in light of the many times I had told people with conviction that she was the one, that I or We had arrived. I suppose now the universe will again balance with the energy of both success and failure at true, honest love.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
A relationship between man and woman is not too hard to initiate, but what makes a certain union "The One?" That feeling is one that all of us have known, however briefly it may have been. It's a very complicated situation when two people begin to share a home. The pressure of that was more than I had anticipated; I fell down under the seeming pressure of having lost all privacy. It didn't help that I lied, repeatedly. Most of these related to "old" females from my past that kept popping up. I lied in an attempt to protect her from the details that would only burn into her head, and to protect me from having to argue about them. I now know those "white lies" were in fact a major catalyst for breaking the trust I'd earned. Unfairly, it didn't just break the trust, it annihilated it. Her past with low-class men who trampled on her caused her to see me in a similar light to them, because I'd shown her I had the capacity to hide things from her. Blah, Blah....it goes on like you can imagine. Both sexes on the defense, and sex on the retreat. Sexual retreat came from my side this time, which did't go over too well with a spiritual female. I drifted, and the more I was poked, prodded, and outright insulted the further and further away I went. Who knows if I was justified, unless one was living inside of my head at the time.
Anyways, I feel like I could write pages about this. In the month or two it took for our relationship to deteriorate I felt like a year had passed. So much hate thrown at me disguised as hurt. Love disguised as sex, sex disguised as love. In the end, are we better off now? As much as I wish I didn't feel this way, I know that we will both benefit from the time we shared, as well as from the end of that time. What I've learned first and foremost is to be up front about all of my facets and dark corners right from the beginning, if that person should so inquire. That way, neither one of us will have to go through unnecessary bullshit. I feel like the majority of the responsibility of this decision was placed on me...but there is a flip-side to the coin. Remember, love is a two way street. Not an alley or a freeway, just two lanes that oppose each other.
Insecurity. Fuck Insecurity. What's a useful definition of insecurity? Anything personal that affects your ability to function in a reasonable manner, or more importantly your ability to control the reaction that drives insanity. Insecurity is poison to love. It's the kryptonite of the happy couple. I remember having more intense insecurities, one's I couldn't reason out of my head. This was back in High School. I decided a long time ago I couldn't live with that shit in my head, so better or worse I found confidence. Not cocky, but confident. There's a very large difference between the two, despite being separated by a very fine line.
I've still got my baggage...everyone has something. No one gets on a plane without baggage. For reasons I don't feel like discussing with myself, she felt insecurities that I honestly believe she couldn't see because, before us, she had felt confident that those old demons had been exercised. An amazing warm-souled woman who had been shit on by most men that came romantically into her life. I'm so sorry for what I did, if I'd known at all what kind of disaster was to come I wouldn't have been so casual. But, I didn't know. This was the designated path for this relationship. Fast, furious, fleeting...transient. A time to learn some new lessons. Hard lessons, albeit, but then if you take a real look back at your life you'll see that all of the pivotal moments of experience were the direct result of a HARD lesson.
I'm doing my best to not stick my head in the sand, but to take this new situation of mine in stride. There are definitely moments where I feel the expanse of this apartment, and I hate how empty it is. Good news is I'm getting adjusted to coming home to a cold and quiet place, but it's still very different.
I don't know if what I'm writing is doing a very good job of communicating what's going on inside my mind. I'll read back over this later, and if I'm confused in the least, then that means that I accurately recorded my current state of mind. I pray to someday find a partner in this life, someone to trust with everything and never have to fear that changes to your mind will be forced upon you. I'm not capable of living within someone else's fences, even if mine are the same.
It's times like these I am thankful from my heart and soul for my family, those who remain and those who have moved on from this world. My Mom and Sister were really there for me; I wouldn't be as far as I am now if I didn't have their tough love, and ultimate support. After appreciating them I detect that familiar old feeling, the presence of my Dad's memory comes spilling in. I wish that I had his advice still, I miss my friend. I hope one day I'll be able to see him, shake his hand and give him a hug. Sometimes you'll fall so much into your own heart that you can no longer sit still or concentrate on anything but your own thoughts. When life is at a high peak, those times are full of positive energy. When times get tough, my mind disturbs itself. In thoughts and dreams my mind keeps itself in check by always pushing the limits from the inside. I might venture to call it a subconsciously self-inflicted mental pressure. Some nights I sleep 6 hours, some nights less. I've even been waking up a 5:30 with no alarm clock, that's a sure sign that my machine of consciousness is going to the red line. Fortunately as time ticks by, this and most any other problem of life finds it's equilibrium, mixing inconspicuously into the past.
One last thing: I feel foolish because I had made a plan, and that plan failed completely. I had always felt that when I could fully admit to the universe that I'd met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she would in fact be that woman. I followed that mind-set going into this relationship. I moved in with her, much faster than I EVER thought I'd allow myself. Financially I took the entire burden at first, then about 2/3 of it the rest of the time. Didn't matter, unconditional involvement. I feel foolish in light of the many times I had told people with conviction that she was the one, that I or We had arrived. I suppose now the universe will again balance with the energy of both success and failure at true, honest love.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
posted by Tangerine at 4:50 PM
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